What is Discernment Counseling: A Journey Through the Labyrinth of Relationships

Discernment counseling is a specialized form of therapy designed to help couples on the brink of divorce or separation to gain clarity about their relationship. It is not traditional couples therapy, but rather a short-term, focused intervention that aims to help partners decide whether to work on their marriage, move toward divorce, or take a time-out and revisit the decision later. This unique approach is particularly beneficial for couples where one partner is leaning toward divorce while the other wants to preserve the relationship. The process typically involves one to five sessions, during which the counselor helps each partner understand their own role in the relationship’s problems and explore the potential for change.

The Origins and Philosophy of Discernment Counseling

Discernment counseling emerged from the need to address the specific challenges faced by “mixed-agenda” couples—those where one partner is considering divorce and the other is not. Traditional couples therapy often assumes that both partners are equally committed to working on the relationship, which is not the case in these situations. Discernment counseling, therefore, takes a different approach by focusing on helping each partner gain insight into their own feelings and motivations, rather than trying to fix the relationship immediately.

The philosophy behind discernment counseling is rooted in the belief that clarity and understanding are essential before making any life-altering decisions. The counselor acts as a neutral guide, helping each partner explore their own thoughts and feelings without pressure or judgment. This process allows couples to make a more informed decision about the future of their relationship, whether that means staying together, separating, or taking a break to reassess.

The Structure of Discernment Counseling

Discernment counseling is typically structured in a way that allows each partner to have individual time with the counselor, as well as joint sessions. This structure ensures that both partners have the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings openly, without fear of judgment or retaliation from the other partner. The counselor may also assign homework or exercises to help each partner reflect on their relationship and their own role in its challenges.

One of the key components of discernment counseling is the “discernment conversation,” which takes place during the joint sessions. This conversation is designed to help partners explore their feelings about the relationship, their hopes and fears for the future, and the potential for change. The counselor facilitates this conversation in a way that encourages honesty and openness, while also helping partners to listen to each other without becoming defensive or reactive.

The Role of the Counselor in Discernment Counseling

The role of the counselor in discernment counseling is to act as a neutral guide, helping each partner explore their own feelings and motivations without taking sides or advocating for a particular outcome. The counselor’s primary goal is to help each partner gain clarity about their own desires and needs, as well as the potential for change in the relationship.

The counselor may use a variety of techniques to facilitate this process, including active listening, reflective questioning, and empathy. They may also provide information about the potential outcomes of different decisions, such as the emotional and financial impact of divorce, or the challenges and rewards of working on the relationship. The counselor’s role is not to provide answers or solutions, but rather to help each partner explore their own thoughts and feelings in a safe and supportive environment.

The Benefits of Discernment Counseling

Discernment counseling offers several benefits for couples on the brink of divorce or separation. One of the primary benefits is that it provides a safe space for each partner to explore their own feelings and motivations without pressure or judgment. This can be particularly valuable for couples where one partner is considering divorce and the other is not, as it allows both partners to express their thoughts and feelings openly and honestly.

Another benefit of discernment counseling is that it helps couples to gain clarity about the future of their relationship. By exploring their own feelings and motivations, as well as the potential for change, couples can make a more informed decision about whether to stay together, separate, or take a break to reassess. This can help to reduce the emotional turmoil and uncertainty that often accompanies the decision to divorce or separate.

Discernment counseling can also help couples to improve their communication and conflict resolution skills, even if they ultimately decide to separate. By learning to listen to each other without becoming defensive or reactive, couples can develop a deeper understanding of each other’s perspectives and needs. This can be valuable not only for the current relationship, but also for future relationships.

The Limitations of Discernment Counseling

While discernment counseling offers many benefits, it is not a one-size-fits-all solution for every couple on the brink of divorce or separation. One of the limitations of discernment counseling is that it is a short-term intervention, typically lasting only one to five sessions. This means that it may not be sufficient for couples with deep-seated issues or complex dynamics that require more extensive therapy.

Another limitation of discernment counseling is that it is not designed to fix the relationship or resolve conflicts. Instead, it is focused on helping each partner gain clarity about their own feelings and motivations, and exploring the potential for change. This means that couples who are looking for immediate solutions or quick fixes may not find discernment counseling to be the right fit for their needs.

Finally, discernment counseling may not be appropriate for couples where there is a history of abuse or violence. In these cases, the safety and well-being of both partners must be the primary concern, and discernment counseling may not provide the necessary support or resources to address these issues.

The Future of Discernment Counseling

As the field of couples therapy continues to evolve, discernment counseling is likely to play an increasingly important role in helping couples navigate the complex and often painful process of deciding whether to stay together or separate. With its focus on clarity, understanding, and informed decision-making, discernment counseling offers a valuable alternative to traditional couples therapy for couples on the brink of divorce or separation.

In the future, we may see more research and development in the field of discernment counseling, as well as increased awareness and accessibility for couples in need. As more couples seek out this specialized form of therapy, it is likely that discernment counseling will continue to grow and evolve, offering new insights and approaches to help couples make the best possible decisions for their future.

Related Q&A

Q: How is discernment counseling different from traditional couples therapy?

A: Discernment counseling is different from traditional couples therapy in that it is a short-term, focused intervention designed to help couples on the brink of divorce or separation gain clarity about their relationship. It is not aimed at fixing the relationship or resolving conflicts, but rather at helping each partner explore their own feelings and motivations, and make an informed decision about the future of the relationship.

Q: How long does discernment counseling typically last?

A: Discernment counseling typically lasts between one and five sessions, depending on the needs of the couple and the progress made during the counseling process. The goal is to help each partner gain clarity and make an informed decision about the future of their relationship in a relatively short period of time.

Q: Is discernment counseling appropriate for all couples?

A: Discernment counseling is not appropriate for all couples, particularly those with a history of abuse or violence. It is most beneficial for couples where one partner is considering divorce and the other is not, as it provides a safe space for each partner to explore their own feelings and motivations without pressure or judgment.

Q: What are the potential outcomes of discernment counseling?

A: The potential outcomes of discernment counseling include deciding to work on the relationship, moving toward divorce, or taking a time-out to reassess the decision later. The goal is to help each partner make an informed decision about the future of their relationship, based on a deeper understanding of their own feelings and motivations, as well as the potential for change.

Q: Can discernment counseling help improve communication and conflict resolution skills?

A: Yes, discernment counseling can help improve communication and conflict resolution skills, even if the couple ultimately decides to separate. By learning to listen to each other without becoming defensive or reactive, couples can develop a deeper understanding of each other’s perspectives and needs, which can be valuable for both the current relationship and future relationships.